It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's God! No, That's My Wife.

No, I'm not really suggesting that my wife is a god. That heresy is even beyond me. I suggest that it is in deep love that we glimpse the nature of the divine.


This is our double-trinity anniversary. My beloved, my imzadi, my soulmate and I were married thirty-three years ago today. In our three decades + three years the following are ways in which I've glimpsed the one I call God in our relationship.


Presence. Since the day we committed ourselves together Maggie has been present. When not able to be physically together she is within me. Even during my seminary years when we were separated by 350 miles and weeks, she would text me about little things in her day, seek my empathy, to check on something with which she knew I struggled, or to rejoice in my successes!


Unconditional love. Maggie's love for me is unconditional. Even when I don't deserve it, she offers me grace. Though, sometimes she must cool down, her love for me never wavers. The slammed car door as I drop her off unsettles me but not to my core. This is because I feel the depth of her love even when she's angry with me.


Sustaining love. In the 70s, Harry Nilsson sang "I can't live if living is without you." The love that Maggie and I share sustains us. Her love transforms me. I am not the person I would be without her. I could more readily give up food than the love of my beloved.


Reciprocal love. She needs me as much as I need her. I don't know why; it makes no sense to me. In the giving to her, I find a boundless supply of love. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.  I know that the same is true of her love for me.


Knows me & sees me. Maggie's love, like that of God, is inexplicable. She loves me not despite my faults and annoying habits but through them and, because of them. What is more inexplicable than that?


Calls me out. Because Maggie knows me at the soul-level, she also knows when I'm taking the easy path. She sees when I've been sleeping, she knows if I'm awake, and knows if I've been bad or good. She's also not afraid to make it crystal clear that I need to be the person I'm capable of being.


Takes my side, protects me. When the world hands me lemons, Maggie makes the lemonade for me. I know that no matter how bad a day I've had she will take my side. She will wrap me in her arms and hold her fist to the world at the same time.


Never gives up on me. Ask our kids. We've been known to have some metaphorical "knock down, drag outs" in our time as a  married couple. Throughout it all, Maggie doesn't give up on me. She can sometimes get pissed -- beyond pissed -- but we always reconcile our differences and do the work necessary to heal our conflict.


So, though my imzadi is not God, it is within our relationship, within the nature of her love for me, that I so often glimpse the extravagant love of the One.


Related Posts


The Core Secret of Our Marriage
Keeping Covenant When the Storms Roll In

Heroic Wife Kills Dust Bunny

Chaplain Magdalyn Sebastian recently
protected her husband from a dust bunny similar
to the one in this photograph. 

Mosier, Oregon---Despite differences of opinion with her husband about killing bugs, an Oregon chaplain hunted down a long-legged creature. What she captured and killed turned out to be something very different. The chaplain's husband witnessed his wife capture a dust bunny in a tissue. 


Said the husband, "I was nagging her to leave the poor bug alone as she reached for a tissue. She defended herself by telling me it wasn't an ant, that 'it's one of those multi-leg things that freak us out.' Of course I had the last laugh." 


The wife captured the invading creature only to discover it was a dust bunny. Just lint. She said of the experience, "I wasn't impressed by Tim's sarcastic remark about feeling safer. Maybe he should sweep the bedroom more often!"


***


Not everything is what it first seems to be. Not every perceived threat is real. Like interracial marriage before it, marriage equality for LGBTQ peoples is one of those dust bunnies. It will not harm my marriage of nearly thirty-three years. It will not result in the crumbling of western culture or spur God's fiery vengeance on America.


We are presented with choices every day of our lives. Will we respond to others out of love or will respond out of fear and hatred? I choose love. God will undoubtedly hold me accountable for many failures and sins. I am very human. I am convinced, however, that acting out of love will not be one of those sins.

Keeping Covenant When the Storms Roll In

I was pissed. If I didn't feel it emotionally, my hoarseness revealed it. The children had scattered to their rooms. Even Isaac who was foolishly brave during "knock-down, drag-outs," had retreated to his bedroom. That's when it happened. I yanked the suitcase out of the closet. 

How had it reached the point that, even a small part of me, would consider breaking covenant? How could I possibly survive without my beloved? 


I looked at the suitcase in my hand and slumped down to the floor; all energy draining from my body. I became uncharacteristically silent. 


It was in that moment that I was finally able to hear the loving pleading of my wife. "You need help." Yes, she was right. Yes, I would call first thing Monday morning.


***


Nearly thirty-three years ago, my wife and I publicly entered into covenant with one another. With the covenant revealed in the Hebrew scriptures (Old Testament) between God and the Israelites informing us about how to live in relationship, we were married. We covenanted with one another, and with God. (See "The Core Secret of Our Marriage for more about covenant.) 


The dripping humid day when we committed our lives to one another was only the beginning. Maintaining a relationship takes emotional energy and regular time spent focused on one another. Human beings are constantly evolving and changing. We have ups and downs. There are times when we're not so much fun to be around.


The challenge for two people in a covenantal relationship is to choreograph growth and change. Finding ways to dance through the stormy weather is perhaps the most intricate choreography. The steps are not always obvious.  Uncomfortable emotions tempt us to leave the stage entirely.

This is the second in a series about living in
covenant with another person.

Living in Covenant Series
The Core Secret of Our Marriage
Keeping Covenant When the Storms Roll In

That morning when I pulled the suitcase out of the closet was not our finest hour.   We'd bought an old 1850s house (think Tom Hanks' Money Pit) in upstate New York. Both children were still living at home. I was working multiple jobs. We were both working too much. Our lifestyle was not sustainable. I know I was not fit to live with during those years. 


I was also unable to see that I was making poor choices. 


***

An unwavering commitment to one another--even during times when we've felt distant from one another--is indeed central to our long marriage. Our success is more than that, however. We truly like each other. We allow--no, we embrace--one another's evolving growth and change. We truly want the other to be who they are called by God to be. 


We revel in one another's joys and always have one another's back. Yet, when one of us is not living into who we're called to be as a unique human being, we speak forthrightly. That is, we call one another out.


During those years, my wife could see clearly that I was making poor choices. She knew I was working too hard and that I was physically exhausted. I couldn't see it and would hear none of her pleadings.


Living in a covenantal relationship requires sticking it out when things are not going well. It doesn't mean you don't feel angry with one another. It doesn't mean you don't have good reason to dislike the other person. Likewise, part of a loving covenant - which includes God - is that we must each take care of ourselves. (There are times when leaving the relationship is the most appropriate thing to do. I will write about abusive relationships in a future blog.)


I was not taking care of myself during those times. The result was that I was taking it out on myself and those I loved the most. I am quite certain that my wife was irritated with me. I am quite certain that she was angry and worried about me.


In Judges 10, God is so frustrated with the Israelites poor behavior, with their breaking of covenant, that he laments, “Go and cry to the gods whom you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress” (Judges 10:14 NRSV).  God was tempted to break covenant with God's people. Who could blame God? The people had left and worshiped other gods until they were under attack by the Ammonites. Then they came running back begging for God's help.


Ultimately, however, God honors covenant. Because God “could no longer bear to see Israel suffer” (Judges 10: 16b NRSV), God responds compassionately. I imagine this was not unlike my wife's experience. She had every rational reason to break relationship. Who could blame her? But in the end, her compassion and her commitment, reigned supreme.  

During that difficult time, my wife offered up the truth about me, sometimes with a little sugar and sometimes with a little vinegar. But still I could not hear her. Still, she hung in there with me. My wife saw the imago dei (image of God) through my armor of hurt, fatigue, and nastiness. Her patience and compassion and her commitment - our covenant - waited for a time when I could hear her pleading.


***


I looked at the suitcase in my hand and slumped down to the floor; all energy draining from my body. I became uncharacteristically silent. 


And I sobbed. Her arms around me, I felt God's presence in our covenant. Then, I could hear God in the voice of my wife. "You need help. You can't keep this up. I love you."


***


God of Covenants,


Thank you for the extravagant love,
   that puts up with us no matter what.


Thank you for the love that forgives,
   even when we've ignored gentle pleadings,
      and angry pleadings.


Help us to include you,
   to accept your presence,
      to hear your voice in our relationships.


Help us to see the imago dei,
   in ourselves,
      and in one another,
          that we might be more loving.


In the name of the love which flows,
   within and throughout creation.


Amen.

The Core Secret of Our Marriage

My wife and I have been married for almost 33 years. I'm often asked, "What's your secret?" Typically my answer is about being realistic, accepting highs & lows, or about a sense of humor. The core secret is about the covenant we made with one another on a sweltering midwest summer day.


About Covenant


The term covenant has a strong association with the Judeo-Christian tradition as a model for relationship. If you read the Hebrew scriptures (Old Testament), you are privy to a love story between God and the Israelites. 


Even when the people are unworthy of God's love, and God has every reason to abandon them, God ultimately honors covenant. For example, in Judges 10, after years of idol worship, the Israelites seek God’s help when under threat from the Ammonites. God is rightfully angry with their newfound faith: “Go and cry to the gods whom you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress” (Judges 10:14 NRSV). 


Despite rightful frustration, God “could no longer bear to see Israel suffer” (Judges 10: 16b NRSV). God responds in compassion and honors covenant. It is this covenantal relationship that serves as a model for our human relationships, including marriage.


The core success of our marriage, then, is that we stood before family, friends, and clergy on that day, publicly entering covenant. We invoked the Divine blessing and covenanted to work at our relationship. Our marriage covenant is with one another and with God.


Divine Presence


Created as physical and spiritual beings, to live into the image of God requires that we open ourselves to the spiritual. Life is an arduous, challenging experience. It is evidence of divinity when any of us are able to connect with other human beings.


A UCC minister and his wife, friends of my parents from their days at seminary, gave us a simple but powerful wedding gift thirty-three years ago. The physical gift was a golden cross with two rings. 

This is the first in a series about living in
covenant with another person.

Living in Covenant Series
The Core Secret of Our Marriage
Keeping Covenant When the Storms Roll In

The physical cross, however, was not the gift. The gift was the comment from Uncle Harold that our love and marriage are a gift from God. The implication being that we must treat our love and marriage with reverence.


My beloved Maggie and I have both sought to remember that our marriage is a sacred covenant. We seek to afford one another the respect that we afford God. For example, I know that Maggie doesn't rake me through the coals with co-workers. Likewise, her most sensitive secrets will never appear in one of my blogs. 


We have both made mistakes. (God knows I have!) But to have slept with another woman or man, would be no more a failure to keep covenant with my beloved than if I betrayed our private conversations. As such, neither of us -regardless of temptations - have strayed or long-avoided the hard work of living as a married couple.


Keeper of Covenants,


Thank you for your love,
   that flows within all of creation.
Thank you for the forgiveness,
   even when it is undeserved.


Flow through my relationships with others:
   with Maggie,
   with those whom I meet at the market,
      at the gas station,
         or who are begging on the street.


When I fail to be who you,
   created me to be,
      forgive me,
         and empower me to confess,
             and make amends.


For it is in following your loving lure,
   that the world reflects you.
It is in your love,
   that I am who you desire me to be.


Amen.


This is the first of several blog posts about what it means to live in covenant with another human being. The next will be about dealing with change and growth in one another. 

Journey to a New Home Day 4: Family Convergence

We gathered in Louisville, just outside of Boulder, Colorado. We were Sebastians, Graves, and Shys. We came from all over: New York City. Chicagoland, San Francisco. Missouri. Oregon. We came through all over: West Virginia, Saudi Arabia, Alabama, upstate New York. Some of us had never met before. Some of us last saw one another at a funeral ten years ago. We all hugged our greetings. We all ate together enjoying the hospitality of one. Some stayed the whole evening. Some arrived late and briefly. All are connecting now as one family because of the love of two.

We joyfully talked about the future, sharing what has not yet come to pass. We embraced the coming unity of parts into a whole, a couple newly formed, and families just getting to know one another. We processed generational family history and tentatively applied it to the present as explanation. We tried it on to see if it might help us relate to those not present, to understand one another and ourselves. We shared pieces of an identity puzzle, an identity formed by the past and forming our future selves.

Yearning for more, we planned future gatherings. Reluctantly, we said goodbye, hugged, and parted.

Location:E South Boulder Rd,Louisville,United States

Christian Respect for Many Faiths

If God meets the metaphorical descendants of Isaac one place, the metaphorical descendants of Ishmael another place, and the Gentiles and others who choose to follow Jesus in yet a third place, is it not possible that God has met others in other places that we are not aware?

What Is It About 20-Somethings?

Robin Marantz Henig writes in What Is It About 20-Somethings? (New York Times Magazine (August 18, 2010) that "Sociologists traditionally define the “transition to adulthood” as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child."

I know many twenty-somethings adults who have not achieved all five of these so-called adult milestones. Measuring the post-boomer generations by these standards of adulthood is about measuring younger generations by boomer values. These values are laden with assumptions about how the world operates that are no longer valid. 


Having spent time teaching college and currently studying for a second graduate degree, I know first-hand that school does not necessarily help every individual. Why should the resources for school be spent if it doesn't meet an individual's needs and goals? 


As a parent and early childhood educator, I know that raising children is a hard job. Children who are in homes where parents really want to be parents are better off emotionally and in all ways developmental. Isn't it more adult to decide not to have children if you don't want them?


Why is marriage the be-all and end-all? My wife and I have been married thirty-one years. Neither of us have ever strayed and neither of us would change our life-choice. Yet, we are unusual among a generation of folks who divorce, remarry, and cheat in significant numbers. Isn't it more honest, more adult, to not make a vow of lifehood commitment if you're not going to keep it? 


Why must everyone's life path look the same for us to consider them adults? It's time for us to stop measuring and judging twenty-somethings and get to know them as individual human beings. We have much to learn from one another.

Pears lead to thoughts of Mom

I was cutting an organic pear for my lunch a little while ago. As I did I thought of the canned pears with the cream cheese filling that my mother served. I used to love those things. Now you couldn't get me to eat one of those "plastic pears".

Than my thoughts turned to what my interaction with my mother would be like regarding my vegetarian eating habits. (I became a vegetarian since her death four years ago.) I imagine that I'm cutting a fresh pear in her kitchen and she would be watching and ask me a question about how I maintain some aspect of a healthy diet without meat. It wouldn't be a question that would push me toward being defensive; it would be pure intellectual curiosity on her part. You see my Mom was like that: she was perpetually curious and perpetually learning. I admired that in her. After she asked her question, she would probably share some tidbit of information about vegetarian eating that she had read in a respected journal or book.

I miss our adult conversations. I miss her intellect and her love.